Monday, October 18, 2010

You're NOT mine

We knew from the beginning we were adopted. Not THEIRS, but theirs... Was adoption suppose to be an privilege? in my view as a youth, it was legalized slavery trade. I hated being the youngest, having 4 siblings and 2 parents telling me what to do, what not to do and where to do it or not do it... and who was i suppose to tell? tell to do something, tell of my heart break and sadness, disappointment and opinion... tell my fears and worries to? Kids having worries? fears? - just heart attacks when brother popped out of the closet yelling "gotcha" after I kicked the well made Lincoln log cabin for distance. He built it in the hall way... how was i NOT suppose to be tempted - i was 4 for crying out loud.... and that is just what i did - went running into the kitchen crying loudly that brother scared me... and you are pushing me away because i earned it? I asked for the near heart attack because of where he decided to build his fancy dancy house? NOW WAIT A MINUTE... you always get on my case when i want to be playing in the hall way - blocking the pathway... oh that's right - he is YOUR favorite, YOUR last, Your perfect little baby boy.... who turned out to not be so bad...
the older i got the more i was reminded i was adopted. I realize NOW, in my adult mind that children are not suppose to understand everything that is said to them by adults but had i? i would probably be charged with murder,or my heart/head would have exploded.
I learned to dread people! the people at home thought it was funny to creep up into the door way of the room i was in and loudly all of a sudden ask in a hurried booming voice "whatareyoudoing?" i would jump out of my skin... mother and siblings alike -
when i got older in school the kids were horrible... kicking my notebook down the hall, cutting up my frog into hundreds of little pieces (and the only real hands on science project i really got into) the bottle of soda that was poured over the 3 ring binder holding a report i worked really hard on - now in the trash... shoved in the locker and left there all class period...
normally these regularly scheduled pranks of  adolescences would not have been anything but normal acts of teen hood... but i took it extremely hard as school was as bad and home. there was no solitude, no safety, no one to talk about... not one person i could talk to or confide in or trust. (I had no "safe" place... though i never stopped trying to find one...)
A mother figure that kept reminding me i was not hers...and that she had no idea what to do with this imp of a child. A brother that every chance he got drug me to his "desires" until (i had an out of body experience that is as vivid today as that first time.) i started acting out... making the family uncomfortable - this was becoming more than what could be explained away or swept under the rug.
had i understood what was going on around me I surely would have wilted sooner than i did... the truth of life would not reveal itself for at least another 45 years....
My sister was gone - they adopted us together and sent her away in less than 10 years, gee they sure did not help her security level... and what was it that she did that was so bad she had to be sent to another part of the family... oh yea... be my big sister... the one that was suppose to take care of me.... my rock... her crime still is unidentified other than, the mean lady did not want to be her mom anymore. Us girls together had no use for anyone else - we hang on to each other tightly... the only place we really felt we belonged to each other... It was already made known to us who the favorite was, no matter what either of us girls say, he was the SBB (sweet baby boy) and could do no wrong.
split us up, break our bond so we could bond with someone else??? WRONG!!! instead took the last thread of trust, dependency, security away from us... this would back fire terribly over the next few years

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